


Hurry up, we're dreaming

by evilguaxinim, lexatroxa, ZabellaDuoli



Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 (TV) RPF
Genre: Clexa, F/F, elycia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-19
Updated: 2017-03-24
Packaged: 2018-06-03 07:05:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6601471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evilguaxinim/pseuds/evilguaxinim, https://archiveofourown.org/users/lexatroxa/pseuds/lexatroxa, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZabellaDuoli/pseuds/ZabellaDuoli
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I was completely embarassed. My mouth was with that famous bitter and metalic taste of alcohol after a night of excesses, my head still dizzy, and the confused thoughts -all so known from the morning after hangover- came  even more intense that I've ever remembered. My eyes burned so bad that I was on the plane with huge sunglasses, trying to maintain the posture despite the weakness and the nausea that were taking over me. Until this morning of January 24rth-2016, I considered hangover(the one that knocks you down) to be the worst sensation anyone could experience, but honestly? The phisical symptoms weren't bothering me as much as the moral ones right now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Hurry up, we're dreaming](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6599299) by [lexatroxa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lexatroxa/pseuds/lexatroxa). 



> This is a translation by ZabellaDuoli until chapter 4. From now on, the translation will be by evilguaxinim.

STOLE THE SHOW

**ACT I**

Alycia’s POV

 

_Darling, darling, oh, turn the lights back on now  
Watching, watching, as the credits all roll down_

 

I was completely embarassed. My mouth was with that famous bitter and metalic taste of alcohol after a night of excesses, my head still dizzy, and the confused thoughts -all so known from the morning after hangover- came  even more intense that I've ever remembered. My eyes burned so bad that I was on the plane with huge sunglasses, trying to maintain the posture despite the weakness and the nausea that were taking over me. Until this morning of January 24rth-2016, I considered hangover(the one that knocks you down) to be the worst sensation anyone could experience, but honestly? The phisical symptoms weren't bothering me as much as the moral ones right now. 

  "Aly, are you awake?"

  "Aly, are you alive?"

  "When you wake up, please send a signal that you're alive! Hope you don't miss your flight."

The messages were insistently jumping from my phone display, all from the same number.

Geez, the nausea was poking the back of my head, and I was turning off the display because of the excessive amount of concentration needed for that. There was no way I could think about the shit I've done, much less have the courage to answer Eliza.

I've decided to leave the phone at some corner of the huge seat I was occupying, and buried my face in the hoodie, kind of to hide me from myself, and from my own conscience. Obviously that was absolutely impossible, but I pretended to be minimally capable of keeping this agreement with myself until I was 100% sober again. By the way, new life motto: do not do absolutely ANYTHING while not sober. NOTHING. Much less sex with the cast mate. Congratulations, Alycia, you fucked up big time!

_Crying, crying, you know we’re playing to a full house, house_

-Alycia, take it easy - Eliza was saying next to me, among giggles. Her breath smelled like peaches and vodka from the several 'Sex On The Beach' she drank in the past couple hours.

I just laughed back. I've lost count of how many Cosmopolitans I've already downed.That added to the puffs we gave on a joint that was passing around on the hands of the people celebrating the end of our filming in The 100 only increased my happy(high) state.

It was liberating to feel all this happiness, because the feeling prior the alcohol was bittersweet: I was saying goodbye to the cast.  At the same time I knew it was impossible to keep my routine as it was, between T100 and FTWD, I couldn't imagine myself away from 'Lexa'.

We cried, we laughed, cried, laughed again during the goodbye dinner, Jason and I. We knew that what we created was special. Lexa was special and would always be unforgetable as much to me, as to him. It was terribly hard to say goodbye, to let go of a project that I loved so much to do another because it was safe. If everything had happened on another moment of my career, at least...

_No heroes, villains, one to blame_

_While wilted roses fill the stage_

_And the thrill,the thrill is gone_

_Our debbut was a masterpiece_

_But in the end for you and me_

_Oh, the show, it can’t go on_

Eliza guffawed. She and Devon alternated between the weed and a bottle of an already warm champagne. Eventually Devon would bring the bottle to my lips, and I would swallow a few sips, but not without letting a few drops fall from my chin while they laughed at my incapability to absorb champagne properly. Everything was a reason to loud and unfiltered laughter.

I supported myself on Eliza's thigh a little out of balance and she brought her lips to my ears once again:

-Aly, you're worse than Devon and I combined. You're such an amateur...

I lifted my eyes to meet hers.

-I'm great! Never been better in my entire life- I said, with a goofy smile, and a completely coiled tongue. Eliza once again laughed at that.

-You can't even talk without coil your tongue.

-What?

-I'll miss you, girl.

Devon said something that I couldn't assimilate at the time, but definitely made us laugh, much like everything else we said, making sense or not.

-Eliza, you're so CLEXA- he said, theatrically emphasizing the word "Clexa" on purpose.

I threw my head back in a goofy smile and there it stayed, in the soft headrest of the sofa. Everything seemed to float and make very little sense. I just wanted to stay in this daze forever.

-Clexa is endgame, at least in our hearts - I said, stumbling on my words with a gruesome diction - I died to save you, aren't I adorable?! - I tried to spy Eliza through the corners of my eyes.

-Definitely, so adorable you can't even lift your head. Leksa Kom Trikru, I think is time for you to go to bed. - while she spoke, Eliza was getting up slowly, until she was standing, but not without a little dificulty - I'll go to my room too, if lose my flight tomorow I'll kill myself.

-Nooooooo - Devon and I complained.

-Not yet. Let's do a nightcap - I insisted.

Eliza lifted the empty champagne bottle with a false rebuke look - This was the nightcap, forgot?

Devon made a noise that I decided to interpret as a laughter, and turnerd his face on the couch, looking nowhere. Game over.

Eliza and I looked at each other e giggled again, before she grabed my wrist and pulled me up. I could hardly stand, and the fact that I was only in my socks didn't help at all, but I did anyway, with a hand in her arms to steady myself. Eliza was tipsy, but I was very inebriated, so I would surely trust her to get me safely back to my room.

Before we drag ourselves from the restaurant(that is at the underground of the hotel) to the elevator, Eliza settled the empty bottle on Devon, making the bottleneck stay between his parted lips, now that he was already napping.

That made our laughter reverberate through the empty corridor to the elevator, step by step, we leaned on each other creating an absolutely unbalanced, muddled,  unintentional dance.

-We should do this more often - Eliza said, with a weak voice after laughing so hard.

-Please! I never had this much fun before - I said, curling my tongue a little, but very sincerely. I was too shy to drink this much, but tonight was an exception. And it was awesome!

Eliza put her arm around my waist, and I decided to steady my knees a little better when I noticed I was completely thrown over her while the elevator got up  to the floor my room was. My head was hanging to the side and my eyes were closing while the drunk smile remained in my lips.

-C'mon, Alycia, do your part! - Eliza pulled me and I obeyed. Feeling like I was walking on clouds, we walked to my room. My concentration skills only allowing me to focus in putting one foot in front of the other.

 _We used to have it all, but now's our curtain call_   
_So hold for the applause, oh_   
_And wave out to the crowd, and take our final bow_   
_Oh, it's our time to go, but at least we stole the show_ _  
_ _At least we stole the show_

_At least we stole the show_

_At least we stole the show_

_At least we stole the show_

My head was hammering in the same frequency of my ringtone, like a dozen of church bells pounding on my temples. I turned in despair, trying to reach on the floor the source of such hideous noise.

-Norman, hello? - I answered my accessor a little baffled, frowning and completely dizzy.

Silence.

-Yes, I'm sorry, I overslept. I'll be there in thirty, please hold my flight.

And hung up.

Now, what the hell happened last night?

I found myself naked and everything was aching, specially my head and my back. The dizziness was almost crippling, but I had to get up. The brightness of the room announced a sunny morning, and  the only thing I was sure at that moment was that I hated sunny mornings more than anything else.

I practically dragged myself to the bathroom, slitted eyes and slow walk, but very urgent. Everything was a mess and I was screwed if I lost my flight. I lifted my eyes to the mirror, and stared at my reflex while forcing myself to try to remember the prior night.

Farewell dinner. A lot of champagne. Jason. Devon. Costume designers. Drinks. Cameras. Eliza.

Holy fucking shit.

Eliza.

My eyes widened and I could only bring a hand to my forehead in shock. I swallowed the dry lump in my throat, and the bitter alcohol taste that was still numbing my tongue.

I had sex with Eliza. Drunk and high.

Still looking at my reflection, I frowned when I noticed a purple round mark on my neck. Automatically the memory of Eliza's lips devouring my skin made me so dizzy that I almost fell right there.

I put my hand on my mouth trying to recover from the inicial shock, and then ran my fingers on the purple mark, wanting to rub it clean, to rip it out of me. In vain, I knew, but the regret and the filthy sensation was overwhelming.

As I was remembering all the details from the night before, my eyes were filling with tears. I felt ashamed and completely exposed. I had no idea of how and when Eliza got out of the room. I don't even have the guts to imagine.

All I wanted was to cry under the covers for the rest of the day, but I gathered the dignity I had left and got in the shower. Cold water to cleanse body and soul.

 _Darling, darling, you know that we are sold out_   
_This is fading, but the band plays on now_ _  
_ _We're crying, crying, so let the velvet roll down, down_

We landed in Baja, Mexico, where I would stay for FTWD shooting and I still haven't answered Eliza's messages.

"Alycia, if you're getting the messages, I hope you're well, and that you had a safe flight. Yesterday was unexpected. A little weird... Well, I just wanted to make sure you are ok."

I just wanted to delete it all without even reading. Delete the memories of last night. I was not ready to deal with what happened. Not only the consequences with Eliza, but also with my boyfriend. I was so fucked that I foound myself on the verge of tears again.

 _No heroes, villains, one to blame_   
_While wilted roses fill the stage_   
_And the thrill, the thrill is gone_   
_Our debut was a masterpiece_   
_Our lines we read so perfectly_ _  
_ _But the show, it can't go on_

A certain relief took over me when I got out of the airport and realized that I was in Mexico to shoot FTWD. For the first time the idea od leaving The 100 made me truly happy.

I took a deep breath and looked at the sky, that was pink because of the sunset, already in the car that was taking me to the new hotel.

-Leksa Kom Trikru, Yu gonplei ste odon.

 _We used to have it all, but now's our curtain call_  
So hold for the applause, oh  
And wave out to the crowd, and take our final bow  
Oh, it's our time to go, but at least we stole the show  
At least we stole the show

_At least we stole the show_

_At least we stole the show_

_At least we stole the show_


	2. STOLEN DANCE - ACT II

STOLEN DANCE

**ACT II**

_Eliza’s POV_

 

_I want you by my side  
So that I never feel alone again_ _  
_ _They've always been so kind_ _  
_ _But now they've brought you away from here_

Alycia was disturbing more than helping me at the task of taking her back to her room. She was wobbling to the sides, and her weight was unbalancing me as well, but yet the only thing we managed to do was laugh. I've never seen her so loose in any other occasion, and even with us getting along so well in and off set-when our path would eventually cross- I really appreciated getting to know this other side of her.

-I'll never wake up in time for my fligh - Alycia said between stumbles, letting a hiccup escape. I lauged, and when we got close to her bedroom door, I leaned her back against the wall.

-Don't be silly, and find the key card. Is it in any of your pockets?

Alycia stared at me tilting her head to one side while the back of her neck was still resting on the wall, with that stoned smile. It was funny, yet weird at the same time seeing her like this, but I was not completely out of it myself and I was having a blast.. How many stories wouldn't we have to tell the next day?

-I don't remeber, maybe I lost it - she said and closed her eyes slowly as I rolled mine... -Aly, you didn't even look! - I mocked her, shaking my head e forcing my eyes to see through the blur.

I took my hands to her front pockets and started to grope, trying to find the card, and she reacted by starting to grope her back pockets, immediately finding the damn thing.

-Do you need more help, or you can handle yourself from here? - I said while I unlocked the door and cleared her way in.

Alycia was sneaking her way to the door, where she leaned against slowly. She was no longer laughing, but the smile remained, and her eyelids were just a little too low. Somehow that smile seemed to be purposely seductive for the way she was moving, but was probably me seeing things shuffled by my intoxicadet state.

_I hope they didn't get your mind_ _  
_ _Your heart is too strong anyway_ _  
_ _We need to fetch back the time_ _  
_ _They have stolen from us_

I was already frowning, wondering why was she taking so long, when suddenly she launched herself on me. Her open lips crashing half on my mouth, half on my cheek, on the clumsiest approach anyone has ever attempted with me. At first I widened my eyes trying to connect the facts quickly, until I felt her tongue caress me and soon after her hand was in the back of my head forcing my face into hers.

Alycia kissed me. And missed the target. Wow. My mind went blank and the only thing I could really do was to turn half a second later to fit our mouths together. I was completely lost, and the frantic-thirsty pace she developed the kiss wasn't allowing me to think it through, so I was just struggling to keep up.

I tried to balance myself with one hand at the door, and the other at the wall, because now Alycia was pulling me agaisnt her with both hands, each time more agressively. Oh my God, Alycia!

I felt her lips traveling towards my neck and open my eyes gulping some air, trying to keep sane, feeling the heat starting to take over my whole body.

-Alycia - I said in a low voice, completely out of breath - Alycia?

She pressed her hand harder in the back of my neck, and crashed our mouths together again.

She didn't miss this time.

And I thought: "Fuck it"

_I want you_ _  
_ _We can bring it on the floor_ _  
_ _You've never danced like this before_ _  
_ _But we don't talk about it_

We got in the bedroom and slamed the door behind us. Now the challenge was to keep our balance while we were devouring each other. Alycia's body was molding to mine while I was leading her towards the bed, her hands glued to my neck, and mine on her waist, digging my fingers and pulling her against me. Was a battle to see who was pulling the other harder, and I was absolutely sure it was a tie

Holy shit, where was that comming from?

Alycia's breath was heavy against my mouth and I was ready to throw her on the bed when she suddenly turned and threw me on top of it. I was sitting, hardly having time to lift my head to see her straddling my lap and grinding into me, pulling her own shirt up, staying in only a black lacy bra.

She was like an unstopable force, and I was definetly not about to object, instead I was trying my best to match her fever. Again, she joined our lips and I felt her teeth bitting hard on my upper lip, so I cursed at the taste of blood on the tip of my tongue.

I realized that I had to take control of that situation.

-Alycia, calm down! - I held a generous amount of her hair making her look me in the eye. Her pupils were full blown, her expression was of pure hunger, and her parted lips were shining with the mix of our saliva.

In my whole life I've never been with someone so desperate for me like Alycia was. I had no Idea of what on earth was going on, the only things on my mind were her green eyes shining more than ever, and her heaving chest, going up and down against mine. She WANTS this! In a fluid motion I lied her down, and she obeyed (good girl), spreading herself and waving her lightly flexed knees, inviting me, with her eyes never leaving mine.

I ran my tongue on my own parted lips as to... savor such delicious vision in front of me. My mouth went dry and I swallowed the lump in my throat, then I took my own shirt and lowered myself between Alycia's loose and open legs until my mouth was a right above her belly button, running my tongue there.

Holy fuck!

Her boiling skin was deliciously sweaty and salty, but what drove me mad was her smell. The fucking smell of Alycia Debnam-Carey was probably the most rousing and intoxicating thing I've ever experienced. Until now.

_Dancin on doing the boogie all night long_ _  
_ _Stoned in paradise_ _  
_ _Shouldn't talk about it_ _  
_ _Shouldn't talk about it_

My hands were sliding through Alycia's skin. I wanted to explore her, to feel her. Every part of her. I lifted my eyes to have a glimpse of her face, and she had her eyes closed with a very sexy smile, while she took her lower lip softly between her teeth.

She was completely at my mercy.

I felt my mouth so dry that the only thing I really needed was a full glass of Alycia. And I could drink straight from the source, so my eager hand pulled one of her lacy bra straps down her shoulder, and my hungry mouth found it's way around a rosy nipple when her perfect small breast got exposed. She groaned while I sucked softly, her hands fisting the sheets while she arched her back jerking her hips up.

Holy fuck, Alycia.

_Coldest winter for me_

_No sun is shining anymore_

_The only thing I feel is pain_

Holy fuck.

At this point the heat pooling in my lower belly was increasing. I was burning inside out with desire, and it was such a raw want that I couldn't even remember the last time I felt it. My mouth and tongue were working on a steady rythm, sucking, licking, and nibbling from one breast to another, while she responded each touch with an urgent, pleading moan.

I've done this before with other women, but what was happening in that hotel room wasn't like anything I've experienced. Alycia was taking me to a sexual nirvana.

My hands were shaking and impatient when they found their way to the front of her pants, opening and taking them off her legs. Those long, soft legs, now naked and open for me.

Holy shit.

I lowered myself towards her still covered sex and licked through her underwear. God, how I wanted that. The smell, the taste, it was everything I needed. Alycia arched her back, and I knew I was giving her exactly what she needed too.

-Fuck, Eliza - for the first time Alycia spoke, her voice heavy with pleasure, and I pressed my mouth harder in response. She was so wet I could feel it through the fabric of her panties.

I was not used to be the top when I had sex with women, but the way I ripped her panties in one fluid motion made me look like I had years of experience.

I could not protract any longer. I stuck my mouth between Alycia's thighs and sucked like I was sure no one ever did before.

_Caused by absence of you_ _  
_ _Suspence is controlling my mind_ _  
_ _I cannot find the way out of here_

Her moans were sometimes low, breathy, and provocative, sometimes exasperated, sometimes just delighted with the pleasure I was providing her. Well, providing us. Her hips established the pace and the motion. They urged and my mouth obeyed.

I felt Alycia spasms against my mouth not long after. Her thrusts became even more urgent, and I knew she wouldn't take much longer. I gave her all of me. Tongue, lips, kisses... I was very hungry too. Our movements were in perfect sync, we were dancing against each other like we were one.

_I want you by my side_

_So that I never feel alone again_

Alycia twitched abruptly with a squeal and all could feel was her hand grabbing my hair and my mouth flooding with her cum. Her body arched until she was almost sitting on the bed and I pratically suffocated with her burying my face between her legs, but all I could really think was to swallow every little drop of what she was giving me. It didn't take long. She fell back on the bed in a rough motion pulling me over her quickly, and once again I obeyed, glueing our lips together. Oh, God, would she ever get enough?

One of her hands grabbed my wrist and led it to her entrance to penetrate her, and so I did. I didn't have much experience, but I went with it and let her use me. Apparently, her orgasm persisted while my fingers entered her, because Alycia was completely out of control. I was on my limit, I groaned with all the effort sucking hard on her neck and digging my nails on her back until she had the last spasm, her last scream.

Our bodies collapsed, wet,

exhausted and hot. I didn't even try to move. My brain was still trying to process it all, and the only thing that seemed to be real right now was Alycia's chest heaving beneath me.

_And I want you_ _  
_ _We can bring it on the floor_ _  
_ _You've never danced like this before_ _  
_ _But we don't talk about it_

I bit my lips with a soft smile when I lifted my head sluggishly. I needed to look Alycia in the eyes, needed her to turn me on my back and do to me what I've just  done to her.

-Aly? - I called her with a weak voice and she didn't respond. I thought it was weird, so I changed my position, settling better on top of her, resting on my elbows -Aly?

Alycia was snoring with her eyes closed. I didn't believe when I realized that she fell asleep. I sighed, a little frustrated, feeling the begining of the hangover weighing on my head.

-Did that really happen? - I asked in a low voice, confused, not really expecting an answer. That was an insane night.

I stared at Alycia's sleeping form for a few more moments. Her face was so peaceful and angelic that I couldn't even imagine that it was the same woman that was moaning and squirming under me minutes ago. Or that was the same girl that used to joke with me all the time during our scenes. After this night, nothing made sense to me anymore.

Another sigh and I was getting out of the bed, body tired and sensitive still. I picked my shirt up and dressed a little impaired, without taking my eyes off Alycia, that was still sleeping on the bed. Did that REALLY happen?

What an insane night.

I covered her with a bedsheet, she cuddled a little, and I smiled shaking my head. What I wanted was to wake her up and ask a million questions, but I knew it wasn't the time for that. It was time to go, and that's exactly what I did.

_Dancin on doing the boogie all night long_ _  
_ _Stoned in paradise_ _  
_ _Shouldn't talk about it_ _  
_ _Shouldn't talk about it_


	3. YOUNG BLOOD - ACT III

YOUNG BLOOD

 

**ACT III**

 

_Alycia’s POV_

_We're only young and naive still_ __  
We require certain skills __  
_The mood it changes like the wind_ _  
_ _Hard to control when it begins_

 

 

My phone was vibrating from one side to another at the bedside table while I was calmly pressing play at another episode of friends. If I really cared about Marny calling me and bedeviling me in every social network at least for the last two hours nonstop? I would say no. I was back in L.A. since the end of the recordings for FTWD, what was approximately a month or so ago. So many things happened since then that I was feeling like I was a repellent for other human beings. So many things went miserably wrong since then that I have no doubt about losing the little social skills I had left.

That's what they say, huh?! Success in the professional life, bad luck in the private one. The bad luck decided to come all at once. I deeply sighed one more time. The last few days have all been like this: TV shows marathon on Netflix, eating crap isolated from friends an family in a empty new apartment in L.A., single and hidden from the world.

Marcus and I broke up again. This time I had a felling that was final. We never had the healthier of relationships, but only I knew how much effort I had put on to make it work. "Not enough", I always thought. And then another sigh.

Eliza.

Despite my relationship coming to an end after "that"(I still can repeat to myself what happened between us, even after over a month), Marcus didn't know a thing. No one knew about that, and if it was up to me, it would remain that way.

The problem involving Eliza was now a little different: The executive producer of FTWD had a private conversation with me. Lexa's success reached lendings that no one expected, not even the producers of The 100. It was extremely interesting for AMC that my fame got the network's ratings up, but that might not happen if I abruptly got out of The 100, because a lot of fans of the show(which had become my personal fans) were migrating to AMC. The matter was so strong that they were considering letting me go of Fear so I could commit to The 100 for two years, set my fame with Lexa in stone, and once the contract was over, got back to the main cast of nothing less than The Walking Dead.

Wow. Was like... Insane. It was everything I needed in my career and I didn't even had to do anything for it to get offered to me. And the proposal was so generous that I ,obviously, couldn't handle it. I didn't know what to answer.

Dave gave me time to think and answer calmly. His worst mistake. That would never happen.

Other than that, I had a moral agreement with Jason. Our deal was to make Lexa happen at any cost, in any circumstance on the show. And now this was about to become viable... If I didn't had sex with Eliza while I was drunk and high. And if I hadn't ignored any and every message or contact attempt from her since then. I probably would never be able to look at her face again, how could I even think about doing a scene with her? It was out of this world, and I just couldn't.

 

 

_The bittersweet between my teeth_ __  
_Trying to find the in-betweens_ __  
_Fall back in love eventually_ _  
_ _Yeah yeah yeah yeah_

 

 

"Alycia, it's been two weeks since you went to Mexico to record your show. I thought about calling a few times, but I felt so ridiculous that I didn't. I wanted to apologize, I don't know... I don't even know why I let those things happen and because we do these absurd things when we drink and smoke... You saw my messages, and I still don't understand if you're furious with me, with something I've done specifically... I just don't know! We may never talk again, you're entitled to it, but I really think I deserve some kind of clarification, that's all. It's not cool when someone disappears and leave a big question mark on your forehead, without knowing what to think, without closure. I'm just asking you to get this confusion out of me, just so I can stop thinking about it trying to find logic and ending up even more frustrated. That's all I ask, please. Xx Liza"

It was a lazy morning in L.A., and I was reading for the millionth time the last message that Eliza left on my phone. The shame I was feeling was so massive that my face turned a deep shade of red just to think about her. Everything that happened was just tormenting me so much. With a frown I menaced a response, but violent knocks at the front door scared me, and made me jump from the bed.

 

 

 

_Can't help myself but count the flaws_ __  
_Claw my way out through these walls_ __  
_One temporary escape_ _  
_ _Feel it start to permeate_

 

 

At the peephole I could see a very angry Marny on the other side, and then I opened knowing what it was to come.

-You're dead, Alycia.

She said, storming in the room, throwing her purse in the only chair at my almost empty living room. I knew exactly what was to come, so I closed the door after her, and gave her a fake smile.

-Nice to see you too, Marny.

-Uau, Alycia, go fuck yourself. Really. - Marny was furious and couldn't not agree with her. I wouldn't even try to argue with her.

-Ok, so? Are you going to keep looking at me with those puppy eyes? It won't work, Alycia Jasmin. You're REALLY screwed.

Marny was talking while walking through de apartment, and I preferred to seat on the chair next to her purse because I knew the lecture that was coming.

-Do you know how I got here, Alycia? I HAD TO CALL YOUR MOTHER! And she gave me your new address. Are you out of your mind? Marcus told me you guys broke up! You disappeared! I'm so fucking pissed at you right now... Really, I could choke you right at this moment with my bare hands!

I should be worried about Marny's words, but I only managed to smile when I looked at her. I was a little tired of this isolation game and seeing her made me happy and reinvigorated instantly.

-Are you seriously just going to smile and look at me with that face? You're so low...

-I'm sorry, Marny - I begun. I knew that starting with an apology would calm her down - I'm sorry for the disappearing thing. Really, I'm just looking at you like this because I know you are right. Completely right. - telling Marny she was right would also get me some positive points.

She squinted at me with suspicion.

-So that's how it's going to be? You're apologizing? What are you up to, Alycia Jasmin?

I let out a loud laugh at that. I missed her so much that for a second I felt stupid for going through everything alone. Marny was the best friend anyone could ever have.

-I'm not up to anything, I swear! I'm just apologizing and I'm willing to do anything it takes to redeem myself.

Marny still had that sceptic look on her face.

-Spit it out! From the beginning. Tell me everything there is to tell and then I'll decide if I'll forgive you or not.

 

 

_We lie beneath the stars at night_ __  
_Our hands gripping each other tight_ __  
_You keep my secrets hope to die_ __  
_Promises, swear them to the sky_ __  
_The bittersweet between my teeth_ __  
_Trying to find the in-betweens_ __  
_Fall back in love eventually_ _  
_ _Yeah yeah yeah yeah_

 

 

 

 

-Alycia, oh my god!

Marny and I were sitting on the kitchen floor, because I still didn't have any furniture there either. We ordered chinese and were drinking wine while she was still staring at me incredulously. She was still trying to process this crazy story about my personal and professional life.

-First of all you're not going to refuse coming back to The 100, ok?! You do know that all of this only happened because something really big it's about to come, right? Have you realized that? Of it's importance? Yeah.

I loved the way Marny was wordy. She was as much sincere and out there as I was shy and introspective. Nothing would shut her up when she had something to say.

-And Eliza, dude. You're such a moron. You NEED to answer her. By the way, you ARE GOING TO answer her because you know I'm right.

My smile fell all of the sudden when she mentioned Eliza.

-Marny, I don't know...

-Lysh, I mean it. - Marny was really serious about it, but I was glad to find that she had forgiven me completely at the mention of my nickname. -You can't do this, you need to apologize. Even if you were never to see her again, you need to do it.

I diverted my eyes and let out a sigh. Sighing is the only thing I manage to do when I think about this particular subject.

-I don't have the guts, Marny. I don't.

-But you must. You're on the wrong here, and you need to face this. You weren't wrong in having sex with her, you were wrong in disappearing afterwards. Look at her text, Lysh, this can't go on!

I obviously knew Marny was right, but it pains me to admit that I have to fix this huge mess I made. I looked at her again, a little crestfallen.

-And about Marcus, yes, you're wrong for having sex with Eliza.

I made a face at that, and closed my eyes. This whole thing was so confused that I forgotten about my ex. Not that he wasn't an issue too, but was definitely not the priority at the moment.

-At least you did one thing right not telling him about all of this. Marcus would be really pissed, you know - sometimes I didn't know if Marny was talking to me or to herself. She was gesticulating with the wine glass in her hand, like she was trying to figure out ways of getting me out of my own mess.

-At least... - I repeated, felling the excitement of having Many back dissipating. My stomach was turning again with all these bad decisions I made.

-Hey, calm down - Marny said, slapping me tenderly on the shoulder and smiling. - everything is going to be fine, Lysh. You just have to sort yourself out. If I were you, I would start with Eliza, because with her your foul was bigger. She has absolutely no fault, but she doesn't know that. She even apologized in her message.

-Yeah, I know, but... I don't know how to talk to her. I get dizzy just to think about it. - I said, already swallowing the lump in my throat nervously.

-Call her up on Facebook. If she answers you it's already a good sign.

I thought about it for a while. I just didn't know when I would be able to give this first step.

 

 

 

_As it withers_ __  
_Brittle it shakes_ __  
_Can you whisper_ __  
_As it crumbles and breaks_ __  
_As you shiver_ __  
_Count up all your mistakes_ __  
_Pair of forgivers_ __  
_Let go before it's too late_ __  
_Can you whisper_ __  
_Can you whisper_ __  
_Can you whisper_ _  
_ _Can you whisper_

 

 

 

05:10 am

Another episode of Friends coming to an end, and I couldn't handle another one. Not because I was too sleepy or anything, because the insomnia was my most faithful companion in this turbulent month, but for the anxiety that the previous conversation with Marny had left on me.

She was perfectly clear about the urgency I had in my duty to go after Eliza to apologize, despite my desperation about the arrival of such day. I need to do this.

I grabbed my phone, hands shaking just for the idea. Opened Eliza's chat window, and looked at her picture. Her smile was so wide, and so pure. She was a wonderful person, honestly. Funny, smart, sassy... But always gentile with me, even after I practically forced her to have sex with me in a completely embarrassing situation, and worse, ignoring her after she did. If there was someone in this world that didn't deserve what I've done, it was definitely Eliza.

I took a deep breath and focused.

"Hey, what's up?"

No. Delete.

"Hey, Eliza, how are you?"

Not that either. Delete.

"Eliza, do you still want to talk to me?"

Nope! No way! Delete again. Would it be better to engage in a subject? Try a more casual approximation? I scratched my head, a little tense.

"Eliza, hi! So, I know I promised to tell you in case of that happening, so... I got released from Fear for two years, and I thought you would like to know."

Send. Just as fast as I typed.

ALYCIA, YOU ARE RETARDED.

I probably had the incredible ability to choose what was probably the WORST OF ALL SUBJECTS to send Eliza in a message. I felt that mix of relief and shame: relived for sending the message already, and ashamed for the content of such message, but now it was too late.

It was too late indeed.

Eliza already saw.

My heart skipped a beat.

 

 

_The bittersweet between my teeth_ __  
_Trying to find the in-betweens_ __  
_Fall back in love eventually_ __  
_Yeah yeah yeah yeah_ __  
_The bittersweet between my teeth_ __  
_Trying to find the in-betweens_ __  
_Fall back in love eventually_ _  
_ _Yeah yeah yeah yeah_


	4. ATO IV - DOWN THE ROAD

DOWN THE ROAD

 

**ATO IV**

 

_Eliza's POV_

 

 

_Have no place to go_

_Have no place to go_

_Darling_

_Have no place to go_

_Have no place to go_

 

I was firmly holding that 380 caliber automatic Taurus, my brow was furrowed in concentration and I tried my best to clear my mind of everything else. My clenched jaw seemed to send firmness to the rest of the muscles in my body as my finger on the trigger was the only thing that started a movement...

And bang. I could hardly hear the noise of the shot because of the earplugs of my shooting practice, but I did not lose anything in sight: right on target. I shot again. And again. I unloaded the fuck out of that gun in another idiot target in less than a minute. All drilling on the highest score.

I sighed, relaxing my arms after emptying the pistol and was about to reload when Peter, my shooting instructor, came with a smile.

-You're Fierce today, huh Eliza? - He said, giving me a friendly pat on the shoulder - you came in early and, as I see, decimating the targets. Been practicing out of here, should I be concerned?

I shrugged with a wry smile. Usually I adored his jokes, but today I definitely wasn't in the mood to chat.

-Lucky shot, Peter - I simply said, pulling away and already holding the gun again to unload another accurate sequence of shots in each moving target that now arose. Without even flinching. I shot and felt a certain release after every shot, but the reality is that I could not take certain things off my mind, they were simply impossible to ignore.

Damn, Alycia. What the hell was that message!

 

_Goodbye, baby_

_Yes I'm going_

_Yes I'm going_

_Goodbye, baby_

_Yes I'm going_

_Yes I'm going_

 

I was a troubled and light sleep when I felt my phone vibrate under the pillow. I contemplated not waking up, but like anything lately would woke me up during the early mornings, I decided to check at least what time it was. I groped in search of my phone, eyes closed still, and bright the device to my face. The display light dazzled my eyes instantly, but the worst was the impression of seeing a message notification from Alycia.

I could only be dreaming.

I rubbed my eyes urgently to get used to the light as quickly as possible and there it was. Alycia sending me a message on Facebook at 5:30 am. I gulped. I definitely could only be dreaming.

"Eliza, hi! So, I know I promised to tell you if it happen... I was released from Fear for two years, I thought you should know."

My brain went blank. For a moment I seriously contemplated to still be asleep. I sat up, looked around; it was still dark, Brandon snored quietly with his face down beside me, some birds shyly sang the beginning of the new day. I was awake.

I took a deep breath and reread the message. At least 10 times to make sure in all possible ways that it was not a terrible mistake:

Alycia said my name in the message, it definitely was for me.

She really had promised to tell me if she could return to T100, but ... so? Out of the blue? Almost two months after giving the worst cold shoulder of my life?

I put down the phone and stood up. What the hell? I would not answer. I would not even think of what she was telling me. The girl grabbed me, kissed me, we had sex, she traveled and disappeared, ignored me, left me without any news, no explanations, no nothing. I felt filthy for a week just for touching her, feeling as if I had abused her when I saw her asleep, even though it was not my fault. For this?

For "I'm coming back?"

Fuck you and your stupid message, Alycia.

 

_Down the Road I Go_

_Down the Road I Go_

_Down the Road I Go_

_Down the Road I Go_

_Darling_

_Have no place to go_

_Have no place to go_

_Darling_

 

-Straight! - Cole shouted, motivated.

I punched that protection in my boxing coach's hand, with all my muscular explosion.

-Straight! Jab! Hook and straight, come! - He said, and I angrily obeyed each sequenced blow with my knuckles already aching from the effort of repeated punches. My body was already bruised and boxing training never seemed to end.

-One more jab! Hook! That's right! Nice, blondie - I finished the punches and breathed relieved by loosening my arms, completely exhausted.

-You killed me today, Cole - I panted, sinking my teeth in the glove to open them up and take them off.

-Me? You were like a caged lion, Liza. I just instigated your punches. I must say they were very energetic and, unfortunately, not very technical today - Cole said, as he took the protection from his hands.

Apparently I had left the technical and self-control at the shooting practice this morning. I huffed, frustrated by it.

-Is everything all right, Eliza? - Cole asked as he seemed to examine me, but discretely. He was very observant and training with him went beyond a simple exercise. His classes were rooted on the premise of equilibrium between body and mind.

I pondered on partially telling him the facts, since he knew me and Alycia had a personal impasse at the end of filming the third season of T100. He just didn't know the real reasons, and probably never will.

I ended up taking too long to decide whether to answer him or not, which made clear that wasn't everything all right.

-So... Remember that Alycia, my co-worker, had stopped responding me about a month ago?

I was talking, trying to open up. I had spent the day pushing my body and my concentration to the maximum to try to relax and had obtained zero success. I was exhausted. Cole was a nice guy and all his 'yoga-yadda-yadda' might leave me more zen too, so why not try?

-Yes, the Lexa one, right? - He said as he helped me to collect and pack my stuff.

-That's right - I said a little bitter, remembering the times I told Cole about Alycia and Lexa with excitement and affection - she texted me this morning. Didn't say a word about disappearing or anything... just said she was released from the other cast. I don't know what she meant by that, I didn't really understand anything.

-And what did you say? - Cole asked, in a way that seemed sly.

-Nothing. I didn't say anything, and I won't - I told him, wiping my face with a towel, and taking generous sips of water.

-You're gonna do to her what she did to you, Eliza? Will take revenge? - I almost choked on water when I tried to answer. Perhaps the conversation was not a good idea.

-No, I don't want revenge. I just didn't understand anything.

-So ask her. Ask her and who knows you'll understand everything you need to understand. Because you can't fire shots and blow punches to escape from your doubts forever. Sport shouldn't be an escape.

I sighed a little embarrassed. This conversation was definitely not a good idea. The last thing I needed now was a lecture from someone older and wiser right now.

-No need to do what I tell you outside from training, but it's just a tip - Cole winked in a friendly way and I really could see that he was just trying to help me - remember what I always say: control the mind and the body will follow. Just because they don't do what's right that you also need to do the same, ok?

I just nodded in defeat. Physically and mentally defeated, apparently. I took my backpack and went to the locker rooms, with a brief farewell to him. Why do I always leave the mat with the impression that needed to start doing yoga ASAP? Cole was screwing my head.

 

_Have no place to go_

_Have no place to go_

_Darling_

_Have no place to go_

_Have no place to go_

_Darling_

_Have no place to go_

_Have no place to go_

_Darling_

 

Muscle pain was doing a great job at reminding me of my stupidity today. I obviously should not have thrown myself headfirst into the practical classes to escape Alycia's message. It was terrible to admit it, but Cole was right. And it was necessary to do the right thing, take the higher ground.

Sitting on the bed and with the macbook on my lap scrolling through Alycia's Facebook page, I began to think that she might have very specific reasons to do what she did. Still, I having was trouble at trying to find a way to get close to her again, but it might be necessary. More for T100 than for myself, because I loved the show and I loved what her character meant for the series. T100 without Lexa sounded sad to me, even.

I remembered also that Alycia once said to have a boyfriend, even though our conversations weren't always of a personal nature. She avoided the most commenting on her personal life, except about a few of her friends. Alycia has always been aloof with all the cast, although very captivating, she would rarely hang out with us. I didn't know if when we were in Canada she was still dating, but this idea made me feel a little guilty.

I took a sip of hot tea to ease the discomfort of pain in my body and decided it was time to respond and stop trying to guess what happened, it was my chance, after all.

-Come on, Eliza. Be polite. Act natural.

"Good evening, Alycia."

-Would Aly be best? No. Very intimate. Alycia.

"I saw your message just now"

I lied, if it was to act natural, that's what I would do. I wrote and was sending. Simple, this time.

"I can't believe you got released from Fear! I don't get how you did it. I hope it was a good negotiation. Have you told Jason yet?"

My answer was as complete as possible to what she had told me. But my doubts were still there. I needed to do the right thing. And to be sincere. I waited a few more minutes before typing as fast as I could:

"Alycia, I would love to talk to you. Very much. I was a little angry with your message, but now it's all ok. I just want to talk it out."

And fuck it. Send. The feeling of making a fool out of myself again was there, but Cole's words still echoed in my head. I was doing my part.

In the first hour waiting for Alycia to answer I was nervous, and shaking a little. I couldn't take my eyes from her window because it was as if she would answer at any second. In the second hour I had already closed her Facebook page and was watching random vines that appeared in my timeline on Twitter, attentive to any notification.

At the third hour I could barely keep my eyes open.

I fell asleep like this: macbook in lap, crooked neck on the headboard, and no sign of Alycia's response that night.

 

 

_When que train roll up, yeah_

_I'll come walkin 'out_

_Come walkin 'out_

_When que train roll up, yeah_

_I'll come walkin 'out_

_Come walkin 'out_

_Down the Road_


	5. I’M SO SORRY - ACT V - Part 1

I’M SO SORRY

ACT V – Part 1

Alycia’s POV

 

_About time for anyone telling you off all your deeds_

_No sign the roaring thunder stopped in cold to read_

_No time_

_Get mine and make no excuses waste of precious breath_

_No time_

_The sun shines on everyone, everyone love yourself to death_

         I took a deep breath, with a large smile on my face. That characteristic scent of dry-ice invaded my lungs and then the dim light was taken by flashes of colorful lights. I tossed my hair aside, unconcernedly, while Imagine Dragons played so loudly that my ribcage vibrated in the rhythm of the sound. In that moment the sensation was of total freedom and I just wanted to empty my head and shout some bad words out.

         Marny had convinced me. Here I was, at one of the most disputed nightclubs in LA. At first, the idea was terrifying, but her arguments have made me relent: “do you really think they are going to pay attention on you when the hot Adam Levine will be there?”

         Well, not exactly, I guess.

         We were dancing with each other, Marny and I.

         We were screaming the lyrics of I’m So Sorry so loud that I didn’t even remember the last time I’d felt so badass like this. Actually, I did. It had been when I kissed Eliza at the door of my hotel room in Vancouver, but this memory still caused knots in my stomach.

 

         _So you gotta fire up, you gotta let go_

_you'll never be loved till you've made your own_

_I was pointing to Marny while singing and swinging my hair intensely. Our performance was so far from attractive that it just made me feel better. She corresponded to all my awkward movements in an even more embarrassing way. Best person ever._

_You gotta face up, you gotta get yours_

_You never know the top till you get too low_

_This was all I needed. Release my voice and my body. The mind would be released gradually, if I could. There were some things running in the background of my brain that couldn’t be ignored. I took Marny’s hands and we threw our heads back, competing who could sing louder. I was leading this one._

_A son of a stepfather_

_A son of a_

_I'M SO SORRY_

_It was Friday. Only one day after Lexa’s death aired by The CW and the entire The 100’s fandom go desperate. I did not expect that. That whole commotion… I knew I had thousands of fans and Lexa was one of the most beloved characters in the franchise, but I didn’t know the outbreak would be so intense. And so scary, I have to say. I hadn’t told my manager or Jason that I’d be available to be a regular on The 100 for the next two years yet. So what did I do?_

_I said goodbye to everyone on my social medias._

_That’s right. I said it because I did not have the courage to tell Jason that I could go back to the show, also because I did not have the courage to think about acting with Eliza again, and, that’s right, I did not answer the messages she had sent to me either. AGAIN._

_A son of a stepfather_

_A son of a_

_I'M SO SORRY_

_I was in ecstasy. I had so much guilty inside me to just not be having fun with that selfish song. After all I was selfish, wasn’t I? So, in that night I would forget everything that distressed me again and I would simply turn on the fuck off of all and any responsibility. Professional or personal. I didn’t want to deal with Eliza and I didn’t want to deal with the fans. I didn’t want to deal with the poor Jason having to deal with the choices he’s made, even knowing that the whole change was now in my hands. I just wanted to sing I’m So Sorry, dancing with my best friend at some stupid party, like some girl, just having fun. Was it asking too much? Even if it was, this was exactly what I would do._

  * _Lishy, I’m gonna get another drink. Be right there – Marny shouted in my ear and I nodded, still dancing. Now I was with my eyes closed, the guilty leaving me and becoming less and less present in my consciousness. I realized that my first glass was already empty too._



_Alycia, you’d be so screwed again soon._

_I laugh from myself and from my incapacity of leading the adult life. I shook my head, feeling a light glow because of the alcohol, still very conscious though. Today really was one of those days. The last time I had drank alcohol I had kissed Eliza and pulled her inside my hotel room._

_This memory had become the most annoying thing to chase after me, for real. Everything reminded me of that fucking night. Where was Marny?_

_I lifted my eyes toward the bar, seeking for her blonde and long hair. It was a very common thing in LA, by the way, blonde and long hairs. Although some blonde and long hairs were more familiar than others and sadly I was not referring to Marny’s in this case._

_I frowned trying to focus my vision the best I could and within what my contact lenses would allow. Was I crazy? That stature, those shoulders. The movements._

_I swallowed hard._

_And Eliza turned around, laughing, accompanied by a man that I couldn’t identify who was._

_I sneaked behind the first person who showed up beside me, without ratiocinating straight if that woman was Eliza or not. Not that I was close enough for her to see me, but I preferred not take the risk. I pretended I was dancing with the guy that I simply pulled to hide myself and looked over his shoulder, cautiously._

_Yes, it was Eliza._

_Oh shit._

_Eliza was at the same party as me._

_Life isn't always what you think it'd be_

_Turn your head for one second and the tables turn_

_And I know, I know that I did you wrong_

_But will you trust me when I say that I'll make it up to you_

_Somehow, Somehow_

_\- Why do you want me so badly to go to this party, Marny? – I asked disinterestedly, holding a cup of warm tea and sitting on the new pouf that I had bought for the living room._

_\- Because I miss the binge and because you still owe me one for your disappearance – Marny was always very convincing, even when I had no will to do anything._

_\- You can call Maia. Or you can also stay here with me watching videos of emperor penguins while we make something for dinner._

_She seemed to consider the idea, although it was a joke. We both laughed and Marny went on:_

_\- Alycia, seriously, you owe me. This party is important to me for some reasons that I think it’s better not tell you now._

_She said, casting me a mockingly mysterious look, leaning on the kitchen counter with a cup in hands. I suddenly became interested in the subject. Marny with interests in night outs? I settled better on the pouf and looked at her more deeply._

_\- What are you up to? And why am I not up with you?_

_She laughed in an evil and amusing way._

_\- You can find out tonight, or you can stay here smelling of naphthalene from your slippers._

_I sighed. Frankly, I’m feeling too lazy._

_\- What party is it? Where? – I said, in a discontented voice._

_Marny stepped out from behind the counter and came running toward me, throwing herself at me._

_\- Get out, just answer me – I tried to disentangle myself from her, almost spilling my tea on us, and cursing Marny a lot for it. She wasn’t really caring, of course._

_\- It’s at SupperClub. And I already have the tickets._

_I rolled my eyes. I couldn’t believe Marny was really convincing me to go to Hollywood tonight._

_\- Ok, I w…_

         Marny interrupted me by grabbing my face and kissing my cheek, then getting off of me.

         - You’re the best, Alycia, for real, don’t even smell like naphthalene, you know.

         - Hey, I’m not finished – I tried to get back on what I was talking about as soon as possible, saying in a more incisive voice now as I looked at her – I don’t want to go back late, I MEAN IT. And when I say that it’s not for you blackmail me and make me sleep on a couch puked up until 7a.m. like you did last time.

         - Ok, done. It will be great, you’ll thank me later, you’ll see.

         I suspected a little of Marny’s last words, but let it go. I needed to go out and relax, forget for a while the things I had left accumulate again.

         Eliza answered my message. This was a few days ago, but I have already regretted of sending anything so I thought it was better to pretend nothing happened.

         One more time.

         I didn’t have much else what to fix with her, I had consciousness of that, but I figured it was better this way. Better keep away, better keep in the chest background the things that should never have happened. I knew this time she was really pissed at me, because when I said goodbye to the cast and fans of The 100 on Twitter I mentioned her. And she did not reply anything about it. Not even liked. Nothing. I took this as our new social status: we were officially in cold war.

         I drank another gulp of tea and decided to drop the subject. What was done was done and I had something even more difficult to solve at the moment: get the mood to go out tonight.

 

_So you gotta fire up, you gotta let go_

_you'll never be loved till you? ve made your own_

_You gotta face up, you gotta get yours_

_you never know the top till you get too low_

 

         - Marny, we need to go NOW – I was saying with my head down, letting my hair fall and cover my face, trying to be discreet. I was terrified. No chance of bumping into Eliza in a place where I’d probably be OBLIGATED to greet her for social etiquette reasons. No. Never. Not today. I was pulling Marny by the arm with urgency and she seemed to be absolutely chill as we left the bar.

         - Eliza here? How crazy, uh?

         - Marny, it’s serious. I need to get out – I said more urgently, looking around as if any blonde woman that bumped into me was a potential Eliza.

         - Lysh, seriously. Relax! You don’t even know if it was really her, it’s dark, you use lenses, you are a little paranoiac… come, let’s get out of here. Let’s go to the lounge. I’ll get you some water and you’ll calm down. We barely get here at the party, don’t freak out like that. I’m here with you, I think it’s totally unlikely that it was Eliza. Come with me.

         I was not convinced about being a possibility to stay yet, but Marny appeared to be saneer than me for the first time in life. It’s quite true that maybe I was a little paranoiac and maybe it was not even Eliza.

         Will be? I could bet Lexa’s black blood that was Eliza there.

         But I was confused too. And Marny wasn’t. Marny was chill. What are the chances of me being at the same party as Eliza in LA? Few, right? Almost none, after all Eliza didn’t used to go out as much either. Neither should be her and Marny possibly was right, I hoped.

         Still walking carefully and looking to all the sides, I let myself be conducted by her until the second floor of the nightclub. The atmosphere was much more intimate and we could barely listen to the music coming from the dance floor, which tranquilized a little my mental confusion. I sat on a large and soft couch that luckily was empty and sighed deeply. The night was already over for me.

         - I’ll get some water, okay Lysh? Are you alright? – Marny said, worried.

         - No! No need, I’m fine. Let’s just get some time here and I’ll get better.

         - Alycia, you were trembling! Some water will do you good. You need to relax. If you want, I’ll bring vodka.

         - No, no alcohol, no! – I countered immediately. The idea of alcohol and Eliza possibly in the same place made me almost dizzy.

         - Ok, not vodka. Be right back with the water, stay here. – Marny said and I didn’t have time to respond.

         - Just don’t take long… I told to myself, watching her disappear to the second floor bar.

         I snorted sitting up. Even my social life was becoming a chaos, a snowball of unsolved things. All because I was simply incapable of trying to figure the things out and they ended up haunting me. If I had answered Eliza’s first message, when I was still on the plane, perhaps none of this would’ve been happening. Maybe I’d be radiant telling Jason that I could go back to portray Lexa and be a regular. It was what I always wanted. And now everything was ruined thanks to my incapacity to deal with the stuff in my life. I was alone, doing a show for money and completely confused by my own decisions.

         I swallowed hard and felt that my eyes started to fill with tears, when I felt Marny’s approach.

         - Your water – she said, while I raised my eyes slowly to pick up the bottle.

         My stomach turned three somersaults. I could see Marny offering me the bottle of water. And I could see someone else behind her, arms crossed. 

         Marny stepped away and only left the blond I was afraid to meet.

         Eliza was with Marny.

         I looked incredulous in Eliza’s eyes and she was looking back at me. Her lips were slightly tight, she was clearly uncomfortable.

         - I heard you wanted to talk.

         Eliza said, my stomach turned. The husky voice didn’t seem very sure about the situation.

         I glanced from Eliza to Marny and from Marny to Eliza.

         My eyebrows simply frowned.

         I didn’t know what to do.

 

_A son of a stepfather_

_A son of a_

_I'm so sorry_

_A son of a stepfather_

_A son of a_

_I'm so sorry_  


	6. 2 HEARTS - ACT V - Part 2

2 HEARTS

**ACT V – PART 2**

Eliza’s POV

_A touch too much, too soon_

_Got cast away with you._

_Your words, can't hear, cause they hurt_

_Can't spend another day with you_

_Can't stand another day with you_

 

         I didn’t know exactly what to think when I looked at Alycia sitting on that large couch, but her expression was so confused that I felt sorry for her. She was literally gawking at me. I lifted my eyebrow and started to wonder if she actually intended to have a conversation with me as I saw her panic look to the blonde that had approached me.

         -Marny! – Alycia said, kind of whispering to her friend. I couldn’t say if it was whispered or if she was just voiceless because of the situation. I preferred to look away to give both some privacy, within the possible. Soon I would leave, I hated embarrassing situations and, without doubts, this was one.

         Alycia seemed like she’d get up and run away at any time. Her body was clearly tense, the atmosphere around us was tense and I just twisted my mouth in a little smile, with discomfort. Wrong time and wrong place to be, for sure.

         It was obvious that Alycia did not want to see me, neither talk to me. And I wasn’t going to pressure her to anything, at all. Especially because I had already turned the page of this story, I didn’t like exhausting situations for a long time and it was exactly what this was becoming. Exhausting and repetitive.

         -I think this was a mistake, I’m going – I ended up talking, taking advantage of that undefined situation.

         -No! – Alycia’s friend talked hurriedly.

         And then Alycia looked at me, for the first time in the night seeing me and not trying to avoid me. I narrowed my eyes back.

         -Let’s talk, Eliza. – she said, with a surprisingly calm voice. I thought that was very weird, and made me swallow hard for a moment.

         -You don’t seem confortable for this, sorry – I spoke frankly, maybe with the voice harsher than I would like.

         -I didn’t know we would meet, anyway, that’s why my confusion. I really didn’t know – Alycia sounded very sincere, although I had already realized this meeting wasn’t happening by her will, obviously. It was good at least see her admitting it so that I would not create new expectations.

         Marny discreetly stepped back and I saw myself alone with Alycia, after more than an entire month full of doubts and questions without answers. Suddenly it was me who seemed to want run away from there, but I wouldn’t do it.  I took a deep breath and locked my gaze on hers, trying to keep my head cool and do not freak out with all the stuff that possibly would come.

 

         _These two hearts won't make it last._

_It's like you are hopelessly in love_

_But I will watch you_

_It's like you are hopelessly in love_

 

         -So… is everything ok with you? – I saw myself completely exposed standing there, without knowing which path I should take. I had so many things stuck to tell her, had gone through so many stages of anger, hurt and complete revolt. Now I was only able to look at her as I hoped she wouldn’t notice my anxiety and my heart pounding. Why was I so nervous about this situation? Certainly for knowing that Alycia had been avoiding me at all costs for the last times, and I had never suffered such rejection from someone like this in my whole life. Presence rejection was even worse than love rejection, I could affirm in so many words.

         -I’m fine, yes, just messed up… Marny went get some water and suddenly you show up in front of me – she gave a slight laugh, half distant. It hurt a little to see how Alycia was still sweet in person. She wasn’t treating me badly, actually, she looked a lot like the Alycia I was used to, before all the confusion happened. Perhaps I would feel less bad if she was avoiding me and being horrible as I had put in my head she actually was. It was very much harder try to hate or attack her seeing her like this.

         Her smile broke a little my defense wall, and I gave a step forward and sat next to her. I thought it’d be easier to maintain my indifference, but it was a lot to process at the same time.

         -So… Marny, that’s her name, right? She approached me out of sudden, said you needed to talk to me, that it was urgent. I didn’t understand anything, though I haven’t been understanding for quite some time, so I ended up here – I told, letting out a laugh half embarrassed, it couldn’t be different. I had no reason to pretend be understanding something, I hoped at least minimize the estrangement between the two of us.

         -Marny, yes. She’s a great friend. She wanted to help, but she has her own means… Sometimes she acts without thinking.

         Alycia avoided looking me in the eyes again, kept her own a little low, shy. She seemed to be thinking of a way to continue the conversation and I realized that the last time I saw her, she was asleep and naked in the hotel bed, in Vancouver. This memory messed up my chain of thought for a moment, I didn’t know how to look at her anymore.

 

_Don't move, just close your eyes_

_I grab your hands and then_

_You see, although you've been blind_

_I saved your world again_

_Just saved your world again_

 

         -Alycia, do you hate me?

         The words just came out from my mouth, with no filter. Run over. It was almost like thinking through the speech, as raw as. Maybe I was entering in dangerous ground too soon, but now there was no coming back. Alycia glanced at me, her face confused.

         -Of course I don’t hate you, Eliza, not even in one billion years I could hate you – she said, the voice full of guilt. I swallowed hard.

         -You vanished – now it was my turn to look away. Maybe I didn’t wonder I’d be so emotional when this conversation happened, but things were taking a delicate direction.

         Alycia sighed out loud and didn’t stare at me either. It was like something very terrible would happen if we crossed our looks again.

         -Yeah, I know, sometimes I… - Alycia started to talk, but suddenly stopped and became quiet. She did not seem to find the right words – sometimes I don’t know how to solve things in the best way.

         I looked at her again and she just shrugged.

         -Ok, but… why? – I questioned.

         -Why what, exactly? – Alycia was staring at me again too, the air was so heavy between us that it was almost possible to feel its weight on our shoulders.

         -Why vanish? Why ignore me? Why simply leave me the way you did, without understanding a thing? We weren’t that close, I know, but… this is not done to anybody, Alycia.

         Now it was too late to stop talking and the guilty look on Alycia’s face showed me that she knew I wouldn’t stop anymore either.

         -Do you know what crossed my mind? I thought a thousand things, thought that something had happened, that you could have gone to the hospital because of the drinking, that you could have hurt yourself, I don’t know! It didn’t make any sense you ignoring my messages, I was not stalking you, I’m not a crazy stalker, I… don’t know, I just wanted to continue as we always were, I wouldn’t disturb your life. I wouldn’t screw your life, I don’t need this.

         My voice already weakened in some words, but I struggled to hold myself. Again I had hardened as I remembered the days of anguish I had passed. Put all this in words was almost making me in pieces, but I would hold tight, this story needed an end point as soon as possible.

_These two hearts won't make it last._

_It's like you are hopelessly in love_

_But I will watch you_

_It's like you are hopelessly in love_

_But it's okay, okay_

_Cause I will stay with you_

 

         -What did you have in mind, after all? Do you even know what happened that night we drank? Do you at least remember anything? – my voice was harsh again, against my will. But better harsh than tearful.

         I didn’t really expect to get answers to all the questions I had asked Alycia, since they were sheer rhetoric of outbursts. She seemed totally lost, but I would remain in silence for as long as it took for her to say something. She would have to talk sometime. Or not, right? When it’s about her I no longer expected anything.

         Alycia took a really deep breath and frowned.

         -I… don’t even know how to start apologizing.  I don’t know how to explain to you the way things work with me – Alycia said simply, shrugging one more time.

         I snorted at her shallow way of responding me, again. How was she capable of dodging the whole matter by using such vague answer like that?

         -I just wanted to understand why you did what you did with me, Alycia, if I always treated you well, if I always liked you. And I still do, even though you have done the most horrible thing that anyone has ever done to me. I still like you. I don’t know what the hell you`ve got but everybody wants you around, everybody admires you, everybody wants to be a part of your world. I wanted, you know? I wanted to be close to you since the day we met.

         I paused to close my eyes and take a deep breath, she seemed to look at me even more incredulous now, if that was possible. None of this was in the script. 

         -I remember that when we met, I thought you were like the best person I had ever known, the funniest. I wanted to be your friend, I wanted you to think I was cool as much as I thought you were. And it seemed like that, you always so likable, always so… I don’t know, in this sweet and gentle way, all you had to do was stand still breathing that you`d draw people. Did you see what The 100 turned into without you? Did you see that nobody cares about us anymore? Fuck that we`ve worked for three years, you just showed up and boom… you were the only one who mattered. Now… I don’t know when I understood that we wouldn’t be this close, but I was accepting this idea very well until you simply grab me, kiss me, and make me get everything wrong since then! Fuck! I don’t want to make this current situation even worse than I have already made, but at least do you remember what the hell happened in that room? Just answer me that, please and I’ll leave. Enough of this.

         I was shaking now. My eyes were tearing, but I still could keep the rest of dignity that I had left. Alycia had her eyes locked on me, completely shocked.

 

_You don't need much operation done_

_You want the moon but you've got the sun_

_You don't need much operation done_

_Too much, too soon, for a bit of fun_

 

         -I remember – she hastened to speak, her bottom lip lightly shaking – I do remember. Not everything. But I remember most of it.

         -Not everything? – I asked, frowning.

         -I don’t remember you leaving, I don’t remember very well how it began – she seemed very urgent to answer, as if she was in an interrogatory. No more games from her side, I guess I had talked too much and scared her.

         -I just needed to know if I forced you into something, if you were beside yourself, I needed to know if I… - and there I was falling into tears.

         Apparently I was so much more emotional than I imagined with this story, FOR REAL. The last thing I hoped was to cry. In front of Alycia. Cry.

         -No! You did not do any of this, Eliza! No! – Alycia came closer and touched my arm, her fingers pressed my wrist in an affectionate way. The urgency in her voice warmed something inside me, as if all her attention was focused on me in that moment – I didn’t vanish because of you, you did nothing wrong, I vanished because I was embarrassed, I vanished because I complicated myself, nothing to do with you. I swear and you have to believe it.

         I swallowed dry and turned my face away from her gaze, she looked worried enough for me start being embarrassed. Everything had come out in a way that none of the many nights I imagined our reencounter could have predicted. In fact, even I didn’t exactly know where the gut feelings had come from, it was as if looking her in the eyes had opened up a Pandora’s box inside me. And it was completely scary.

         Alycia pull my wrist into her and hugged me with hesitation. I thought to resist to approach, but I soon reciprocated. I felt a knot in my throat when I realized that her scent was still there and that maybe I had missed it.

         -Sorry… - she said, still during the shy hug. There was a lot of concern in her voice.

         We moved apart by my initiative and looked back at each other, now I was trying to recompose myself. Both I and Alycia appeared to be extremely uncomfortable. There were some people circling around us and just now we noticed, until then it was like if we were totally by ourselves. I cleaned my throat and risked retake the speech:

         -So, have you talked to Jason about you’re return? Actually, now I’m relieved, I was thinking that the show would be cancelled without Lexa.

         Alycia seemed to be appalled again.

         -I’m not coming back anymore, Eliza – she said with a hesitant voice.

         I frowned and gazed at her without understanding.

         -What? What about that message?

         -I thought a lot and decided it is better this way, it will be better for me this way.

         -They will cancel The 100, Alycia – I wasn’t sure if they really were, but I couldn’t take the risk. Even more after all the negative reaction to Lexa’s death, Alycia being able to return, she had to.

         -Of course they won’t. They wouldn’t cancel like this, you know it’s not that simple.

         -After all the criticism? Jason is desperate! The fans are angry even at us, the atmosphere of cancellation is heavy, if you come back…

         -I’m going to stay in Fear, Eliza. I’m sorry… - Alycia seemed to apologize even with the look this time.

         But honestly? I was no longer interested. Another roller coaster because of her I wouldn’t allow, now it was career, it was professional.

         With one last sigh I got up from the couch, grabbing my phone and checking the hour. We had chatted for less than one hour, but I was so emotionally worn out that appeared we were there all night.

         -Well, I wish you the best on Fear, you know. It was good to have this conversation so I can turn the page of all outstanding issues once for all. I guess that was it, right? I left my friends waiting, have to go back to them. Anyway, that’s it, I see you around, have a good party – I was saying, without being able to hide the discomfort and, again, the harsh. This time it didn’t matter, though. Alycia was a fucking selfish person and now I was a hundred percent sure of that.

         Alycia’s look was a little dismayed because of my sudden withdrawal, but I doubted she would do something about it. And I was right. She just nodded and I turned back following in the direction of the first floor.

         I urgently needed a cigarette.

_These two hearts won't make it last._

_But it's okay, okay_

_Cause I will stay with you_


End file.
